Things

My idea of fun is stuff like staring at one spot for a long time to see how it changes my perception; talking for ten minutes with every word starting with the letter 'B'; swimming into a feeling and describing it in 3D; designing the best tube system in the world in my mind; trying to talk backwards; eating 12 pears in a row; pretending I'm blind; calling up talk radio stations in a funny accent; writing a poem about someone I've just met; joining in someone's conversation on the bus; stroking a tree; trying to decipher the secret communication of sheep.


~ Things people regularly say to me: You are so silly. I can understand why men find you intimidating. You are very passionate about your beliefs. What time is it? You crack me up. You look familiar. You're a good singer. You're outrageous. Shall we meet for a coffee? I love your hair. What does this mean? Is that your real name?


~ Things people have never said to me: You are boring. You're the nicest person I've ever met. You're so tidy. You're normal. You don't know much about existentialism. Have you ever jumped in a volcano? Do you think infinity is redundant?


~ Things I regularly say to people: No thanks, I'm a vegetarian. Do you want to come to this public lecture later? Let me tell you about the dream I had last night. Can I have some of your chocolate? Did you wash your hands after going to the loo? Why are you looking at me strangely? I'm allergic to Quorn. I want to have babies. Do you think I need therapy? You're boring me now. I wish I were the love child of Germaine Greer and Jonathan Miller. I can't ride a bike. Cool. Why?


~ Things I never say to people: Believing in god is understandable. Can I borrow some money? Let's have anal sex. I loved the Da Vinci Code. I'm so pleased Blair is our leader. What star sign are you? I describe myself as easy going and laid back. Men are better than women. I read Heat magazine. Who won the cricket? Let's go to Kentucky Fried Chicken. I watch Coronation Street.