Live Again

I always promised myself that I would live again
Everything would change this time
I held on to this thought as so precious, so strong
I’d live in a new family,
I’d be a perfect girl

People ask me why I can’t move on
I stand still, as I always did
In a trance of my own
Hoping that one day my dream will take me over
And I’d be back to the beginning to do it all again

I thought that things would change in time
But everyone passed by and forgot about me
I live in static now
Not brave enough to let my life catch up
I don’t want to move in case I brake my fantasy

But all my dreams, like stones, must sink
They're not reality
I must blow my memories away
And watch my life go by
To fall into its rightful place in history


I wrote this ^ about 10 years ago, since then you'll be thrilled to know that I have moved on.

Yellow Light

I like the yellow street light on that red brick house
With lots of corners and no windows
The traffic sounds are far enough away
That I can feel quite quiet inside

The air is so wintry
I can't breathe it in enough
And I can't get cold enough
As I'm wearing too many jumpers

I feel I might fall backwards
On the stony cosy pavement
But it's only my light-headed fever
Making me dizzy

My body trembles all the time - I like it

Mice dream

There were two little mice that were scurrying about. Someone told me to catch one of them so I did. As I looked at it I saw that it was injured very badly. It’s whole back was coming away from it. For some reason I kept touching it’s back although I didn’t want to, but I was trying to check the injury. I realised each time I did this it put the mouse in even more pain. Then it’s whole fur and skin on its back were coming away from it’s bones, and then even the bones were coming away from it’s body. It was a bit gross.

When I woke up I thought, 'I know that mouse, I really know it, like it's an old friend…but who is it? Then I realised, very strangely, that it's the mouse button [literally] on my computer keyboard. I had seen it was wearing away the evening before.

Strange random overheard conversation: 1

Two women were talking excitedly as they passed me. One said to the other,
'Oh we must go to this beautiful Holiday Inn for a drink.'
The Holiday Inn is not remotely beautiful, and rather resembles a converted petrol/gas station.

Camden tube, London

Shortly after an innocent man was shot to death on the tube for looking Asian/Muslim. He was from Brazil.

Dream is mean

I stood out of the way of everybody else. I was squeezing myself into the corner of a wall overlooking a river, because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I had no where to stay and I hoped that I could just stay here for the night with no one noticing me. But then a naked homeless guy who was a heroin addict came up to me and said that where I was standing was his home, then he tried to squeeze into my corner to budge me out. When I wouldn't move he stabbed me in the ankle with his heroin needle. He was HIV positive, so I knew that I now was HIV positive too, and I had to get to doctor quickly if I wanted an antidote. But it was about 5.30pm on a Saturday so I knew it would be hard to find a doctors open, and anyway they all have waiting lists that went on for weeks. But I did find one just before it closed and I told the woman doctor what happened. She said that that corner was that man's home and I had no right to take it. I couldn't believe she was annoyed with me, when I hadn't done anything wrong. And I thought that 'I am also in need, I don’t have a home either'. I was annoyed because I had covered up my need so well that no one could tell. He just made his needs obvious so everyone would help him.

Humans?

If I were to write a philosophy book, I'd call it 'Humans... no thanks!'

Dissolve royalty

I woke up this morning thinking how I could create a following for those of us who'd be willing to officially change our names to HRH King or Queen ... then our real names... Windsor. The idea would be that the more of us that were called Prince blah blah Windsor, the more dilluted the royal family would become and their titles would be no big deal, and so they would dissolve. Who wants to go first?

Mindfullness...

~ When I close my eyes I can see intricate images on the insides of my eyelids, that are like unique animated visualisations. They are totally independent of my will, and are creations I could never have imagined otherwise.

~ I find it relaxing to design tunes in my mind, and when I sing them the tickling in my throat feels emotionally satisfying.

~ I believe that life is meaningless, which is a thought that inspires me daily to act even in the face of fear, and create my own sense.

~ I'm on a fulfilling, yet never-ending journey of personal development which involves me taking every opportunity to question, and open up to life.

~ There are various qualities which I try to embody, and look for in the people I associate with. These include vitality (which means full of life and is the opposite of cynicism), integrity (which means doing what you say you are going to do, whatever it takes), intelligence (which means being able to grow and adapt), logical (which means rejecting spiritual, religious, astrological and other similar beliefs), illogical (which means able to use intuition and natural sense even when there is only phenomenological experience to go by).

~ Being "laid-back" or "easy-going" does not appeal, as I'm sure there is enough time for laying back in the coffin. Sitting upright to the presence of life is what I find inspiring.

Things

My idea of fun is stuff like staring at one spot for a long time to see how it changes my perception; talking for ten minutes with every word starting with the letter 'B'; swimming into a feeling and describing it in 3D; designing the best tube system in the world in my mind; trying to talk backwards; eating 12 pears in a row; pretending I'm blind; calling up talk radio stations in a funny accent; writing a poem about someone I've just met; joining in someone's conversation on the bus; stroking a tree; trying to decipher the secret communication of sheep.


~ Things people regularly say to me: You are so silly. I can understand why men find you intimidating. You are very passionate about your beliefs. What time is it? You crack me up. You look familiar. You're a good singer. You're outrageous. Shall we meet for a coffee? I love your hair. What does this mean? Is that your real name?


~ Things people have never said to me: You are boring. You're the nicest person I've ever met. You're so tidy. You're normal. You don't know much about existentialism. Have you ever jumped in a volcano? Do you think infinity is redundant?


~ Things I regularly say to people: No thanks, I'm a vegetarian. Do you want to come to this public lecture later? Let me tell you about the dream I had last night. Can I have some of your chocolate? Did you wash your hands after going to the loo? Why are you looking at me strangely? I'm allergic to Quorn. I want to have babies. Do you think I need therapy? You're boring me now. I wish I were the love child of Germaine Greer and Jonathan Miller. I can't ride a bike. Cool. Why?


~ Things I never say to people: Believing in god is understandable. Can I borrow some money? Let's have anal sex. I loved the Da Vinci Code. I'm so pleased Blair is our leader. What star sign are you? I describe myself as easy going and laid back. Men are better than women. I read Heat magazine. Who won the cricket? Let's go to Kentucky Fried Chicken. I watch Coronation Street.